Since marrying Elizabeth a year ago, life has become an entirely different type of teacher than it was when I was a single man. When I was single, most of my lessons in charity, for instance, came from reading Scripture, lives of the Saints, theological treatises and the like. These are all great sources of information, but I used to wonder how much these "lessons in charity" were actually sinking in. Of course, none of us can really know exactly how charitable we are (that's not really the point of being charitable,) but I do think we have some sense of whether a lesson in charity is sinking in or not. And, I believe I can safely say these lessons have been sinking in a lot more over the past year.
For instance, Liz and I have recently started going to mass in the mornings again at Christendom. This was a habit we had formed before Alan came along, but since his birth it has been very hard to make the 7:30 a.m. mass time. However, Alan is now 5 months old, and he is starting to get on a better schedule that allows us to wake up in time for mass. As part of this going to mass in the mornings, we have also started switching out holding Alan in the back (he can't stay quiet if he's in Church where the echos magnify his voice for him.) Up until this point, Liz has taken care of him most of the time in Church since he was needing to eat frequently, so taking care of a baby in the back of Church is a very new experience for me.
This brings me to the other morning as I was holding Alan in the back and Liz was in Church praying. This particular morning Alan was being more fussy than usual, and as a result he did not want to sit still. I kept having to switch from standing with him, to sitting with him standing on my lap, to sitting with him sitting on my knees, to kneeling with him standing on the floor, etc. As a result, I started becoming annoyed that I wasn't able to focus on the mass. I began to grumble a little bit saying things in my head like, "If I'm going to have a spiritual life, I need quiet to pray. Liz is so good with Alan, why doesn't she just take care of him all the time?"
Of course, I realized that all of this was grumbling and didn't take it too seriously. As mass went on, though, it got me thinking: what is it I'm really owed? I mean, am I really owed a nice quite morning mass? Or, is it something I'm just used to, and now with a baby I just won't be able to have that? It occurred to me that there are many times in my life that I become upset when something doesn't go my way, feeling that I have been denied something I'm owed. I can become upset when someone makes fun of me, feeling that they have not given me the respect I am "owed." Or, I get upset when the car breaks down, because by gosh that car "owes" it to me to keep running. Or, at its most absurd, I get upset at the weather outside when its gray, because I'm owed sunny days.
My point is, that it occurred to me that so many times in life, we become used to a routine and when the routine is interrupted we are upset because we feel like we are owed something. Standing there in the back of Church, I realized that much of what I feel I am "owed" are actually blessings I have only been able to routinely enjoy, and instead of becoming indignant when these blessing are taken away, I need to be thankful for the blessing I currently have. For, Christ surely must have also intended the Church for parents with young children, so there must be a way to pray while taking care of a baby. Instead of learning this new type of prayer, though, I was becoming solely focused on what I was supposedly "owed."
Marriage and family life have begun to teach me the lesson that what I am owed is not nearly as important as what I am given by God. Indeed, this is a fundamental lesson of living in community. By living in a community, the individual agrees to abandon his own way and join his path to that of the community. He is called to make sacrifices for others, chief among which is the sacrifice of his time, that one thing he feels he is owed no matter what.
This was a lesson, an understanding I never would have come to without the concrete community that is marriage and family. This is why concrete community is so necessary for the well being of man. It is a school for man to learn the truths of who he is, and in this case, what he is really "owed." "It is not good for man to be alone." If he were, man might come to think he is owed such things as sunny days.
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